Hi Curious, A person who says that parents are always trying their best is forgetting or doesn't have idea that a parent with active needs from his/her childhood is not even able to see the child (not even talking about doing any best for the child). It's not possible to do any good for a child when your needs from childhood are still "flying in the air" and you don't recognise them. What that person is saying is a normal excuse, nothing else. It doesn't matter if parents are or aren't trying their best, if someone is trying the best for you but this "best" is somethig you do not need at all and additionaly there are things that you actually need, does it matter that this someone is trying best for you? And parents will additionally demand their child to feel grateful to the end of his/her life for something that they usually did not need at all.

Hi Pauline. I didn't and don't have any children. The two people I mentioned though both have children...

Hi Curious, Now that I think of, I cannot say what would be my reaction to that book if I did not have a child, but I do so I cannot imagine passing by something like this. Did you have children at that time?

Hi Pauline hope you dont mind, but just wanted to say something on your converstion with Daniel. I remember reading The Drama of a Child over 20 years ago. I still have the original copy! But anyway I didn't love it, just thought it was ok. I re-read it a couple of years ago and it blew me away, as did her other books. I dont know why it didn't touch me the first time- maybe I was just so out of touch with myself that I could not have any empathy towards myself. At that time I thought my mum was perfect and I was the problem. A couple of people who I know (and who have been in therapy for years) have read her books and there differing reactions and comments are interesting-one say's she's too much on the childs side and forgets parents are trying there best, another says the book is amazing, yet sides with her mothers abusive behaviour disowning herself and her needs. I don't know if they choose to ignore or discount or minimalise, but certainly when I remember my reaction twenty years ago, or lack of it, I know there was no (conscious) decision to reject her teachings-on reflection and tragically I believe I was so traumatised that there was not much 'self' to consciuosly do much. Thanks for an interesting thread

Hi Daniel, thank you for your answer. It's not really that I think you blame Alice Miller. But let's say your mother understood the book completely (pretty much everyone does, right?), so why she kept on hurting you? Is it possible to "know" and not do nothing, is it possible to be so unbelivably cruel? I think this is the thing that is so extremely hard to face for child. I had a situation with my father 1,5 yrs ago that I still cannot go through. I told him once (finally) how severe my depression was, how I suffer each day, that I actually don't live my own life at all and told him that this is all beacuse of how they (my parents) were treating me in childhood. I have a brother that is 14 and still lives with them. I asked him to do something to help my brother not to suffer like me in future. And do you think he did anything? Unfortunately nothing. Completely nothing, like I haven't said anything to him.... And I still think it must have been something wrong with my explanation of my disease beacuse I cannot understand how can anyone be so cruel....(of course I understand it with my mind, but not with my emotions) I have given this example beacuse it seems to me very similar to you, the book and your mother. You prefer to say that the book was wrong not your mother so extremely cruel. The book helped me, it helped you, why wouldn't it help your mother??? And I do think telling anyone what to do or not do is abusive as opposed to informing or even suggesting. If you are abusive to abusive parents who do you think they will put their anger at? Their children? so are you really helping the children? Or you are only abusive the same way they are. Regards, Paulina

Dear Paulina (previous commenter on this guestbook), Hmm... Interesting interpretation, but I don't agree. According to you I blame Alice Miller in lieu of blaming my mother. In reality I blame my mother far more strongly than I blame Alice Miller --- after all, Alice Miller has done nothing to hurt me. But regardless, I think my criticisms against Alice Miller's POV stand on their own two feet. To label my criticisms of Alice Miller as "weird" (or "abusive") suggests to me that you are having difficulty following their emotional logic, and, to a degree, are siding with the parent, not the child. I don't see it as abusive to tell abusive parents (even mildly abusive parents) that it was inappropriate for them to have had children, or to suggest that people with a propensity to abuse their children should not become parents. Thanks for the comment --- it got me thinking --- Daniel

Honestly after what I read on your page I think you cannot face the fact that your mother read Alice Miller's book and did not do anything to help her child. She ignored the knowledge. She must have known she was hurting her child, yet she did nothing. And this is not the book's fault but your mother's. This was her choice. I am so aware of things going between me and my child after reading this book, I read it and made use of it, that means that everyone can do that, and if someone does not do this, it means the person does not want to use the knowledge. Pointless to blame Alice Miller and try to find some weird mistakes in her theory. Telling someone what they should or should not do (having children or not) is abusive I think. You can only inform them and have hope they understand. Regards, Paulina

Thanks all for the kind comments. Sorry I have so little time to respond---I've been on the road for months (filming a new documentary), and have only little bursts of time on the web. If someone wants to email directly you can do that too (my email is at the bottom of my homepage), and I'll try to respond---mostly briefly though, because a lot of time I'm at internet cafes in the middle of nowhere, paying for time by the minute! Thanks again for commenting though---I love reading the comments (even the critical ones)---Daniel

Hi Daniel- I just watched "The Time Traveler's Wife." It seemed to me to be a depiction of the dissociation that happens when trauma victims buried emotional memories are triggered. It even talks about how children of unhealed trauma victims can inherit the condition. And, of course, in the movie, they blame it on "genes" rather than Alice Miller-style theories of compulsive repetition in order to recover the memory. Just thought I'd mention it in case you hadn't seen it.

...I think the most salient point in your writings is how our culture fails to nourish and support anyone who sets out on a path to find one's true self, its failings and wounds, and engages in the process of healing...it is a lonely quest, and despite our being separated by distance, it is a comfort to know that there are others out there who feel the same need for truth and Truth and despite all the cultural obstacles and temptations, carry on with such a search, which in the end, will not only enrich our lives but that culture which so disdains our quest...